If you grow up Southern, you learn certain things without anybody actually sitting you down and teaching you.
You learn them at the dinner table, on the front porch, in church, at the ballpark and mostly by getting corrected by your mother.
Here are a few of them:
1. You don’t call an older person by his first name. It’s Mr. Billy, Miss Janet or Aunt Martha, whether she’s actually your aunt or not.
2. “Yes, ma’am” and “No, sir” won’t kill you.
3. Your mother can hear you misbehaving from another ZIP code.
4. You don’t leave the house without saying goodbye.
5. You don’t leave somebody else’s house without saying goodbye three more times.
6. Sweet tea is supposed to be sweet. If you can see the bottom of the glass, somebody has made a terrible mistake.
7. Never insult your mother’s cooking. You may not survive the meal.
8. If somebody says, “Y’all come eat,” you eat.
9. If somebody says, “Y’all come back,” you probably should.
10. “Bless your heart” is not necessarily a blessing.
11. If somebody says, “I don’t mean to gossip,” they’re about to tell you something you absolutely need to hear.
12. You wave at people you don’t know if they’re driving a pickup truck.
13. You wave with all four fingers. The one-finger wave is reserved for Atlanta traffic.
14. You never take the last biscuit without asking.
15. If somebody says, “Go ahead and take it,” you still say, “Are you sure?”
16. A casserole is an acceptable answer to almost every problem.
17. If somebody sends you home with a dish, you return the dish. Preferably with food in it.
18. You don’t discuss politics at Thanksgiving unless you enjoy watching your favorite uncle turn red.
19. Everybody in town knows somebody who can fix it cheaper.
20. “Hot” is not a temperature. It’s a condition.
21. “Might could” is perfectly understandable English.
22. So is “fixin’ to.”
23. If somebody says, “I reckon,” that usually means the discussion is over.
24. Your mother can make enough food for 20 people when only four are coming.
25. She will apologize because she “didn’t make enough.”
26. Nobody needs to tell you when dinner is ready. Somebody will yell, “Come and get it!”
27. You don’t have to like everybody. But you do have to be polite to everybody.
28. If somebody needs help, you help them. You can complain about it later.
29. If somebody is sick, you take them food. If somebody dies, you take the family food.
30. At this point, you should understand that Southern civilization is largely built around casseroles.
Growing up Southern teaches you that manners matter, family matters, neighbors matter and nobody should ever have to wonder whether there’s enough food.
Because if there isn’t enough food, somebody’s grandmother is going to hear about it.
And you really don’t want that.
